The Greatest Defeat
by C. Charlotte
Summary: Grieving isn't as easy as it seems.


The Greatest Defeat  
By C. Charlotte  
Mulder6758@aol.com  
Disclaimer: Mulder, Scully and all other regularly  
appearing chacters belong to Chris Carter, 1013  
Productions and FOX. I'm just borrowing them to weave  
my tangled web.  
Distribution: Anywhere, everywhere and Gossamer. Just  
keep my name and email address attached and drop me  
a line so I know where it's at.  
Feedback: Happily accepted at Mulder6758@aol.com  
Rating: PG-PG13  
Keywords: mythology, Mulder angst  
Spoilers: Ascension/One Breath  
Summary: Grieving is easier said than done. Fill in the  
blanks for numerous scenes between Ascension and One  
Breath.   
  
  
  
I can see her in my mind's eye. In my dreams. I can even  
*imagine* seeing her if something is strong enough to set  
off the sequences of images I can only pray are not real,  
but a product of my imagination.  
  
In some of the more terrifying experiences it's almost as  
though she is looking back at me, damning me for not  
saving her when I had the chance.  
  
'I blame you.' her cornflower eyes beseech in my  
direction. The tears that gather in the back of my throat  
are her answer. The admission of my guilt.  
  
If only she was here to accept that guilty plee, I would tell  
myself. But she's not. Instead she's somewhere in the  
heavens, undergoing things that I can only fabricate in the  
few inches of my skull.  
  
And now that she is here, I wonder if perhaps she was  
better off floating in outer space. At least there she wasn't  
hooked up to so many machines that her features are  
barely visible beneath the tangle of tubes.  
  
But as quickly as those thoughts come, I vanish them. I  
have no right wishing that her abduction had continued. I  
have no right being here in the first place.   
  
I couldn't save her. I *didn't* save her from something that  
no one deserves to go through. My partner of all people  
and I couldn't even protect her from the one thing I am  
supposed to be so versed in.   
  
It's a pathetic thought.  
  
Roughly, I brush a hand over my face, the layer of stubble  
crinkling underneath my fingertips. Much like the  
foundation of everything I've ever trusted is doing so...  
  
Who cares if the X-Files have been reopened? They  
serve no point if one half of my soul is missing. At the  
thought I finger the cross at my throat.  
  
It is her cross, her belief system. But through it I somehow  
gather strength. Over the three months she was gone, the  
cross was all that remained of my connection to her.  
  
It was something I protected jealously with my life.  
Something I still do protect jealously.  
  
"Scully..." I whisper to her still form. "...you need to come  
back so I can give this to you."  
  
As the tears begin to build again, the cross catches the  
glimmer of light that manages to break its way through the  
blinds and darkness of the hospital room.  
  
A sign perhaps. Something I should take to heart. If I can  
build a strong wall for her, maybe she'll be able to make  
her way back to me.  
  
Back to me. I'm one selfish son of a bitch. If she ever  
does come back the first thing she should do is leave the  
X-Files. Forget they ever existed. Forget I ever existed...  
  
Easier said than done, I suppose. I can't make her leave.  
She has too much inner strength to let anyone push her  
around or make her decisions for her.  
  
And even if she ever did leave, I very much doubt she'd  
be able to forget her recent experiences. And those  
recent experiences would more than likely connect her  
back to the X-Files.  
  
And inevitably to the man who led her right to the danger.  
As much as I'd like to blame it on unseen forces of power,  
I cannot. I knew the risks and never told her.  
  
So I'm just as guilty as that black lunged son of a bitch is.  
Perhaps more so because I lured her into friendship. At  
least he had the decency to mark himself as an enemy...  
  
More than I have ever been able to do for her.  
  
Even when her sister came to me, I couldn't find it within  
myself to forget my selfish goals of catching the people  
behind this conspiracy.  
  
Yes, I told myself, and still tell myself, I want to catch them  
so I can make them pay for what they have done to  
Scully. But really deep down I think I want to catch them  
for my own sense of completion of a duty.  
  
Melissa came to me expecting for me to want to see  
Dana. To try to coax her back to life. To try to coax back  
to life of the still form lying in front of me.  
  
I'm not trying, am I Dana? I never have done enough to  
help you.   
  
I guess it's fitting that in the greatest battle of all, I'm  
suffering my greatest defeat.  
  
E N D 


End file.
